Flushing the Toity at 39,000’, and Other Busted Myths

A childhood friend of mine once asked me, “I’ve been dying to know all my life:  when you flush the toilet on an airplane, does it just dump out all over the ground?”

Well, I’m happy to say, that question has finally been answered definitively, by an unfortunate couple lounging on their back deck.  Yep, the brown sludge that fell from the sky and covered their evening in smelly brown goo was . . . indeed . . . lav doo too!*

Don't worry, it hasn't come to this on airplanes...yet!!

Actually, and quite fortunately, that was a complete fluke.  The reality is, all waste generated on an airplane is supposed to flush into a holding tank, similar to the head on a Winnebago or sailboat.  And, while the latter vessel can choose to feed the fish at any given moment, strict EPA and FAA rules require that aircraft only be emptied on the ground, in a completely controlled environment.  Hence the “Blue Juice truck” servicing your aircraft prior to departure, and the poor schmuck who has to run it.  For, despite the closely controlled system . . .  hazmat happens.

Why not a full hazmat suit?!  You couldn't pay me enough...

Reminds me of the guy who’s job was to empty the airplane lavatory.  Every night he came home reeking of sewage and griping to his wife.  “Well, why don’t you quit?” asks his supportive spouse.  “What?!” the doo doo dumper gasps, “and leave aviation?!”

A joke only us flying nuts would get, I suppose.

I'll be in my office!  Anybody seen my copy of War and Peace?! (Fifi's Lav A) 

At the risk of TMI, a little more about blue juice.  Other than the obvious reason that none of us appreciate getting shat upon by Jonathan Livingston Seagull—the bird or plane version—there are other factors forbidding flushing at altitude.

Cartoon proudly stolen from Chris Mano (Jethead's blog: http://jethead.wordpress.com/)

First of all, temperatures at cruise tend to be in the minus-a-lots.  And, like anything liquid, blue juice freezes.  Clogs the pipes.  Jacks the system.  A leaky lav drain can freeze into icy blue chunks beneath the fuselage, which then break off in the airstream.  Yes, earthbound real estate has fallen victim to hurtling blue projectiles falling from the sky, though no peeps injured or killed that we know about.**

WTF?!  Eh...no comment!

Secondly, any metal bird flying above 10,000 (besides the most basic Cessna) will be pressurized.  Air flows in, air flows out, but at an extremely controlled rate.  The onboard air conditioners work overtime keeping the cabin air pumped up to breathable levels, sort of like flying inside a balloon.  While being nearly airtight, however, an airplane is far from hermetically sealed.  Small leaks are standard, medium leaks get our attention, and a big leaks call for an emergency dive bomb while sucking on those margarine cup thingies dangling from the ceiling.

Which brings us to Myth #2:  Despite the wives tale perpetuated by the original “Airport” disaster movie, a tiny hole punched in the plane will not “suck” a human being out the window . . . or down the drain.  (Death by toilet sucking - yikes!)  Although you wouldn’t know it from the 6-year-old emerging from the lav, screaming and crying, traumatized by the chainsaw-decibel toilet flush at 35,000’.

Warp Speed, Number One.  Engage!  Er...better make that Number 2!

Perhaps that's what Gerard Depardieu was worried about when he chose not to use the lav.***
Airbus, you coulda done a better job making the flusher more husher!
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*Couple Wants Answers After Lav Leak

**There were at least 27 documented incidents of blue ice impacts in the United States between 1979 and 2003

***French actor Gerard Depardieu urinates on an airplane